You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
