I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
