Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
