You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
