He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
