Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
