to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize