We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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