its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
