i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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