I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize