Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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