Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
did you just send me my own nude
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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