make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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