She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
