please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
