epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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