I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
