i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
