I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
