its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
