he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
