Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
