the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I want to fling myself into the sun
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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