By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
