I wish I could teleport
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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