omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
