When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
