fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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