What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
