He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just found a bag of teeth...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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