My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
