my room smells like sperm. sweet.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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