Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
