The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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