whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
