the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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