I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
