Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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