i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
