i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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