I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
