Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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