when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
