I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
