Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
