and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
