Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
