well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
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