Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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