She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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