Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize