you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
