At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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