P.S. I can't hear my feet
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
