how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
