when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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