so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Terrible idea I love it
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
