i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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