so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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