I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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