You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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