The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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