I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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