Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
