i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
