"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize