remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize